The real bite of nostalgia

I was going though the folders on the pc at home and I found "The Making of Woodstock". Pipe put his foot down and said we weren't gonna print that. Too degrading or some such thing. But I wonder why. I mean who wouldn't wanna be part of that mad maaaad world? It was fun while it lasted. But it was more than that. It's one of those few things I really do (did?) miss about MCC. Pipe goading us on; Roshan's wisecracks during our 3 hr meetings (which consisted of 5 mins of deciding what the next issue was gona contain and 2 hrs and 55 mins of the aforementioned wise-cracks); Sande's "I'll take care of it"s; Danny pretending to know it all- Danny suprising us by actually knowing it all! Vasudha's writing.. Plus that was where I met three of my closest friends..

For those of you who wonder about the nostalgia, I present to you, for the first time, "The Making of Woodstock". May Pipe burn in hell! It's my blog and I write what I want!

The Making of Woodstock

We aren’t saying it isn’t fun. We aren’t saying it is hard work. We aren’t saying that we don’t enjoy it. All we are saying is.. Well, read on and you’ll understand what we went through before we brought out this issue.

It all started on Jan 3rd when we came back after spending 12 days sleeping and eating - and sleeping some more. Realisation dawned upon us that the January issue of Woodstock was due. Someone mildly suggested that we get started immediately, but it was immediately quashed down by cries from the geekier of us claiming that we’ll do it after the CAs – no problemo.

Well, the CAs came and went (and left us none the happier for it). It was Saturday the 12th and we decided we’ll get started. An online meet was scheduled for nine p.m. At nine, I logged in to find no one there.. Frantic messaging gave me to understand that out of the remaining 5, one was in Hyderabad, one was out for dinner, one was practicing.. something, one was fast asleep, and the last one was, shall I say.. at a different level of thinking. With a sigh, we resheduled it for the same time, next night.

Now anybody who knows the woodstock team would not be surprised that the online meet scheduled for 9 started infact at 10.30 and went on till past midnight (which got some of us nearly thrown out of our houses, but we will not dwell on minor issues). The topics discussed included serial killings, shilpa shetty, how to apply Gauss’ law using spherical co-ordinates, pongal celebrations, birthday parties, the book fair, the hottest guy/girl in college, etc.. Finally, we decided we’ll send in the articles by Tuesday – do the DTP by Thursday and get the issue scrutinized and out by the next week.

Tuesday night saw one article in the inbox. By Wednesday there were two. By Saturday, the number increased to 4. On Sunday the following message was sent to all
“Dear team member, This sms is regarding the your article for the next issue of woodstock. On checking the mail account, I am saddened to note that it has made it’s appearance yet. Please look into the issue. Thank you. Your’s sincerely, A teammate.”
Reply 1: Don’t worry sweetheart, it’ll be done.
Reply 2: Tonight. Tonight. I’ll send it in positively by midnight.
Reply 3: What’s the hurry?
Reply 4: If I do it.. Will you get me OD?
Sunday night in the inbox – You’ve got (0) new mails.
(to be continued..)

The reader will please note that close to 600 rupees worth of talk time, 500 messages, three online conferences – each lasting for approximately 2 hours, 15 online chats – lasting an hour, 5 fights, numerous train rides and sessions in front of Nescafe and endless cups of lemon tea (courtesy the college cafeteria) went into the making of this issue.

I'm a... WHAT?

Scene one(Temashek hall, NUS - my room): Aquila's gtalking and I'm sipping the Raspberry Vodka I split with her. The vodka's getting to me, I guess. I turn to her and go, "doesn't all this feel nice and grown-up. Sitting in a different country, chatting with your best friend and drinking pink-colour alcohol? Like your childhood dream?" She turns back and smiles.
Half and hour later:
Aquila: Do you still feel on top of the world?
Me: No!

Scene 2 (Fruit shop, Anna Nagar): I'm meeting two of my school friends - Banu and Archana - after four years. We haven't met or spoken since school, but we used to be pretty close then. I called them on an impulse and we decided to meet.
Archana: So, what you planning to do next?
Me: PhD, hopefully.
Banu: But won't that take a long time?
Me: 5 years, if I'm luck (yes, I think of Mike Slakenerny and smile!)
Archana: So, when you planning to get married??
Me: M-M-mmarried?
Banu: Yeah..
Me: After that I guess.. Why? When you guys planning to get married?
Archana: In another year or two I guess.. They're looking out.
Me: Looking out??? But that's so... grown up!

Scene 3 (I'm having a messaging conversation with a 'friend*'). Friend sends me a message "... so, we suspected my girlfriend was pregnant and I had to got her a test.."
Me: ??????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* I'm obviously not gonna tell you who I'm talking about, so don't even bother asking!


Scene 4 (Bakkiya's house): We're sipping juice and listening to her describe labour pains and how great it is (yeah, you heard me right the first time)! Sug is listening. Soumya and I look at each other. Um, but this is what adults - older women talk about! Not.. not us!!!

Scene 5 (On the phone): A friend is telling me about his taxes and arrears. I go "Ha, ha, you have arrears". I hear a frown which conveys 'grow up already'. I try to cover up with "It sounds so.. you know.. grown up. It's what parents do!!". It does!

Scene 6 (Suganya's wedding): Some dude goes "I welcome Mr.Allen and Mrs. Suganya Princess". Mrs???????

Scene 7 (In the car): Archana goes "do you know we are over age for all sports training camps in the city? Everyone tells us 'we'll let you know if we start a senior batch!'" We are??

Scene 8 (last night, outside my gate): We're returning from Soumya's sister's wedding. Divvya (for those of you who don't know, Divvya is my oldest friend. We've been 'best-friends' since 2nd standard) was dropping me home. It was around 11.30 in the night. I was the last one to be dropped, as usual (It's because I live the closest to her place. Plus I'm good with directions). I had to keep going 'turn left, go right, go straight' since Deena's house.
Finally we entered my colony. I said "you're supposed to know this place.. you grew up here!!"
She goes "yeah, I know"
But to irritate her I continued "take a right here".
"I know"
"Left"
"I know"
"Go straight."
I get a glare.
(At my road) "Turn right"
"Hello? I know!!!!"
"First house on the left."
"Oh, apadingala (Is that so)?? I didn't know.."

We both laughed as I got out of the car and she waited till I got into the house before leaving - like her dad and granddad used to do the many times they dropped me over the past 15 years. I thought of 15 years ago when I actually didn't know her house and went searching for it with my maid on Diwali day. She came back home with me that day and it's been 15 years since then. But it seems like just yesterday. Not that I mind the drop-you-off-post-11-and-make-sure-you're-in-before-i-take-off thing. It kinda feels nice.
(Who am I kidding?)
It feels real good and all.. well, grown up.

Maybe, just maybe, being grown up isn't so bad after all! :-)

And once again - goodbye!

The following is an excerpt from a mail I meant to send a year ago(31/5/07 to be exact), but never did! I found it in the drafts today, while looking for something else, and I just thought I'll put it in. It describes a feeling I was to experience many times over in the following year:


You know that feeling you get when you see a friend off? You see her getting into the bus and take up a seat. She looks out at you from the window and smiles and waves. You smile back and keep waving till the bus turns around the corner. Then you turn around and start walking. The road suddenly looks both beautiful and empty. You have a smile on your face but you feel lonely.. Why am i typing this? Because i just saw Madhu off on her JNC shuttle and I wanted to get the feeling while it still was there. Sure there's another shuttle I can catch in another two hours but life - my work would've caught up with me by then. I would no longer want to get into the bus.. I'll meet her, maybe, this weekend, but the moment would be long gone. But, years later when I look back and ponder upon what our friendship was all about, it is this moment that i will think of. It is that feeling - a sudden loss of safety, a sense of loneliness - that I will remember.

And now, a year later, I've done that over and over again. Endless times. Now-a-days, it's with a "I dunno when I'll see you next, so I'll see you when I'll see you" - to close/best friends from school going abroad, to cousins leaving to different places, to classmates from college who work in different parts of the world, to friends I met during the summer during my internship... the list is endless!

There is no escape of course - the goodbyes must be said, the hugs must be given and you must watch them as they turn and disappear out of sight - perhaps forever!

Just another day..

She enters the room, eyes glinting with anger and.. and something else - could you call it hatred?

Her friend asks her to "relax".

"How can I?", she yells back, even as she knew she soon would. She knew that the next day, not only would she relax, but she would even be comfortable with the thought; a thought which made her quiver with rage; a thought which made her want to choke him with her bare hands. She knew that within a mere 24 hours, she would've gotten used to it.. Grudgingly, she would've accepted it as a part of the unfairness of life.

"Which him?", her friend asks her.

Which him, indeed!

Suddenly she realises (strange, how the thought hadn't occurred to her before) that all her current trouble could be attributed to guys!
The one who denied her her constitutional right to freedom of speech; the one who rejected her proposal because he didn't want to lose power; the one who threatened to destroy her world because she reported the truth like it was; the one who reduced her friend to tears everyday - they were all men!

"Is this what they call sexual discrimination?", she wonders aloud.

Oh, there were guys being affected by it as well.. but somehow she couldn't help feeling that she felt the impact more! maybe because she couldn't help believing the best of everyone - she couldn't help trusting..

"Don't worry about it", her friend tells her, "another year or so, and you needn't have anything to do with them ever again!"

She nods her head, though deep down she doesn't agree. She doesn't like what happened to her. She doesn't like the idea of being suppressed by people just because they feel threatened. She doesn't like being told what to do, what to write, what to say.. She wants to fight it, but doesn't know how! She thinks it's unfair, but sees no solution. She feels helpless.

She knows, deep down, that these people need to be taught to be fair. Yet, she nods her head. She knows she won't do the "teaching".

"I don't have the time", she tells herself.
After all, there are assignments to be submitted, tests to be written, records to be drawn, projects to be done..

She sighs..

She knows by next week all this will be forgotten and they - the people who inflicted all this pain - will be forgiven. Forgiven without heir their knowledge for something they did not know they did! Free to continue doing what they've been doing all along - making people's lives miserable, if only for a day!

Ouch.. that hurts!

You know when you lose a friend?

It is not when they move to another country.. It is not when they die.. It is not when you've lost their number.. It is not when you haven't spoken to them in many years.. It is not when parents or circumstances forbid you from speaking to them.. It is not even when you betray them or they betray you!

It is when you call them up and talk to them for a while and into your head pops a host of things which you would've confided in them in the ages past, but you dismiss them now with a wave of hand as unsuitable conversation and talk about the weather instead!

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Closure is a strong word, but I suspected that that's what I needed.. I had hoped that my convocation will give me that, and I guess in a way it did.

For many months now - since July, 2007, to be precise - I have been looking back on my life in MCC with a sigh. Nostalgically.. Wishing with all my heart that I was back there. Everytime, I go there, I'll make a note and start counting down to the day when I'll go there again. This time, though, I left not knowing when I'll go back again, and guess what? I'm perfectly fine with that thought.

I guess what it really required was wrapping up the personal ties - realising a few truths, restarting some old friendships, rekindling the ones which are dying out, and letting a few die for the sake of friendship itself. What it took was a look at what is popularly known as the "big picture" and realising that fights, elections, tears, love and friendship was all just a part of college life. A three year drama - a masala movie with every spice in it - equally proportioned.

With that para, my post stopped making sense, so let me recap for the sake of those who are still reading and more than that for my own sake.. As i said, i need to press "publish post" before it ends.

June 16th, 2004(I do have an uncany memory for dates), I step in to the portals of MCC big eyed and full of wonder. There are all those people on stage who we're told are "gen. sec." and "chairman" and "convenors". Little do I know how I'll come to lose all respect for those post. The post, mind you, not the people. I still remember the first three days - the first day was the campus walk (I still can't, for the life of me, remember where they took us that day!). College ended at 12. The second day was dept orientation - college ended at 10.30. The third day was class orientation, college ended at 9.30. "This is too much", I remember complaining to Soumya.

The rest of the semester is just a haze.. I remember Nirupa, the triangle, Nirupa leaving, Subhashini's birthday party(the day she told us she was leaving), my first crushes in college, and my very first deep-dark-carry-to-the-grave secret(s). Oh yes, and of course the Goa trip.. But that's a post of it's own..

The second semester was even hazier.. Let me see.. The hall days (for some reason, I remember those!), Amandeep's arrival and all the guys going nuts, the girl gang, Yi and the drama club - which never really started, but yet led to other things which will not be mentioned in this post except to state that that is all I remember of the third and fourth semesters.. Well, almost all..

Third semester was also when the "cafe gang" was closest. Something happened in the 3rd sem which caused it to start breaking up.. I never figured what. I remember my and Sai's suprise parties, the trip to coorg and french classes.

Fourth semester: More hall days (wait, I think I went for only one that year).. Oh, yes and the elections. That is something I'll never forget - the year I came face up with hardcore politics and realised that there are things in this world I will never understand. The semester I lost all respect for the politician in a (wo)man - cause that's the worst in a person coming out - it's all about the self. The semester, when, suprisingly, my respect for Naren tripled - no, quadrupled and my respect for every other person involved fell into an abyss. The deeds were mended and made up for in other ways,but the respect never returned and I don't think it ever will.

Fifth semester: I was in depression. End of story. Oh, yes, depressed Nanital trip. And of course, Woodstock comes into existance (ta-da!).

Sixth semester: I stop hanging out with my batchmates because I had something to tell them which i didn't want to tell them and they kinda guessed it and i knew they had guessed it, so basically, It Was A Mess. Sixth semester was also Deepwoods 2006 third day and the week that followed. Sixth semester was also the time when life in MCC got really good. Almost as good as my first month there. Note how I said, almost. Not quite, 'cause I had JAM hanging over my head, but otherwise.. I made the kinda friends I had given up all hope of finding in MCC - I found people who I was proud to say I knew. For once, I didn't care about what the world thought and I became really close with my classmates. That was when I started loving my train rides. That was when I, for the first time in my life, did exactly what I wanted to. And realised, that that's all it took to be happy. Not happy happy. Just happy.

Yup, apart from the first one month, the sixth semester was the best of them all. Which is why, I found it so damn hard to get over the place. Which is why I needed a closure. I called up a few friends and cleared things out. I came to terms with the fact that some people just will not change. I accepted that a few of them make new "aquaitances" and I realise why they need to - silly, though the reason be. They're still my friends inspite of their silliness and that's what matters.

But most important of all, on my convocation day, I tried to reconnect with the whole lot of them and I realised that, save a hand picked few (the ones I can see have - and will continue to - survive the test of time) I couldn't relate to anyone else.

I had moved on.

I now know what I really got out of my 3 years - courage, freedom, a sense of independance, open-mindedness (I'll put important marks here, only my keyboard doesn't support it) and about 10 friends.

I need no more.

And so, as the title says "Goodbye, and thanks for all the fish!" :-)